10 Things You Should Know About Intrahousehold Conflict

The first fight between my dogs, Jolene and Amore, was a Level 5 on the Cara Shannon Bite Scale. That's like, emergency room ASAP; someone might die.

That's unusual and devastating. There were warning signs, but this was well before work in training and behavior consultation, and I missed them.

Now, I specialize in working with families worldwide experiencing intrahousehold conflict. I help them to create safety, security, and relational repair. Here are 10 things I want every home with multiple pets to know.

1. Reaching out for support sooner is better.

   
   

Usually by the time we think to reach out for professional support, things have become untenable. We've already had a fight, or multiple fights. Sometimes it's after a human has been injured breaking things up, or someone has gone to the emergency vet, or the pets can no longer be in the same room together.

And please don't get me wrong - I am so glad that people reach out for help, at any stage. Some people never reach out for help at all, for a variety of reasons, including difficulty finding someone who is qualified to help them or financial barriers (both common obstacles we help folks overcome).

The best time to reach out, though, is when you first start to notice the conflict. It usually doesn't start with fights and bites.

Often it starts with one pet trying to move away. Or "play" that doesn't quite feel playful. Or a hard stare, or a growl. It starts with one pet being "bossy" or "submissive".

When we intervene early, we can often prevent things from escalating to dangerous and damaging levels.

2. Arousal, resources, and tight spaces are the most common catalysts for intrahousehold conflict

Most conflicts between pets involve one of these three catalysts.

High arousal situations like greeting people at the door, getting excited for mealtime, or reacting to a noise outside the house can be perfect breeding ground for conflicts.

Resources are another common concern, and that might look different than expected. Resources can include food and toys, sure, but also people, resting spaces, and even spots where something valuable used to be.

And tight spaces - the less opportunity to move away, the more likely we are to see conflict. The space between the coffee table and the sofa is the bane of my existence. Thresholds and doorways are another common area of concern.

And situations that involve two or more of these variables? Even riskier.

Part of working with a behavior consultant specializing in intrahousehold aggression is their ability to spot where problems are LIKELY to escalate, and help prevent that from occurring.

3. This isn't your fault.

There is a lot of misinformation out there about canine behavior. It can be hard to know who to listen to and when. I encourage my clients to check the evidence - to think critically about the information we have available - and to trust their guts.

Unfortunately, it's incredibly common for alleged "dog trainers" to blame humans for their pets' conflict, often shaming and blaming and referring to nebulous concepts of leadership and respect.

What does the science say? Dogs are social creatures, and they can have relational conflicts just like us. They are not, however, pack animals, and they are not trying to fight for dominance - at least not in the way we tend to think.

Behavior is influenced by a wide array of factors including genetics, early environment (think maternal care and conditions in utero), learning history, physical health, medications, and more. Our behavior can certainly be one of those influences - but unless you're actively forcing your dogs to fight one another, it's unlikely that you've caused this all on your own.

4. Letting them "work it out" is a bad idea.

This one is a persistent but damaging cliché. You've probably heard it yourself, and perhaps followed that guidance. Just let the dogs figure it out themselves.

Here, I refer you to point number one. Earlier intervention is better. If we're fortunate enough that things don't escalate into aggression, fights, or higher-level conflicts, we're still likely to end up with at least one pet walking around the home on eggshells, trying to stay safe.

Everyone deserves to feel safe in their home.

When intrahousehold conflict arises, it generally means both parties are in need of support. We owe them that support.

5. Intrahousehold work is both individual and relational.

It's very common for folks to enter behavior therapy to stop a behavior. But behavior therapy runs a lot deeper than that.

We take a look at each individual involved and work on supporting them, so they can bring their best selves to the relationship work.

That means taking a holistic look at stress reduction and enrichment. Enrichment includes sleep, physical health, and security. We work on building individual skills, increasing agency, improving resilience to stress, and enhancing self-regulation.

Then, better in a place to learn and thrive, we work on the relationship.

6. 80% of cases involving aggression also involve pain.

A meta-study from 2020 looked at all of the studies on pain and aggressive behavior and found that up to 80% of those cases involved pain, either directly or indirectly influencing the behavior.

Subsequent studies have looked at anxiety and pain, and have taken a closer look at specific types of pain with specific types of behavioral and emotional concerns to find correlations.

The data is clear: most dogs in these categories are not having optimal experiences in their bodies. Musculoskeletal pain, GI distress, dental pain, neuropathic pain, allergies - they all influence distress tolerance, pessimism, resilience, and social behavior, just like in humans.

Often the main symptoms of pain are behavioral. These dogs are often still running, playing, jumping, and exercising.

That doesn't mean these dogs won't also need behavior therapy; they do. It does mean that ethically, we need to understand that pain cannot be ruled out, ever, and should always be a consideration.

7. In most cases, the pets get along sometimes.

This one really confuses people. It seems like the pets should get along, or not. It throws them off that 95% of the time, the pets seem to be best friends.

But if we think about dogs as complex social creatures, we can understand that their relationships have nuance, just like ours.

You've probably snapped at someone that you generally get along with.

Perhaps you've been annoyed by someone or afraid of someone's behavior under certain circumstances, but not others.

You almost certainly have a friend that you like most of the time but other times need to take some space away from.

Remember when I said early intervention is the best intervention? Part of that is preserving the relationship. With each conflict, the relationship deteriorates further.

We don't want to wait until things get to the point that the pets have to live entirely separate lives (and if you're already there, please do still reach out for help).

8. No, I don't need to see your dogs fighting.

This is a big one. Many folks, especially when wondering how this work can be done virtually, think that the behavior consultant needs to see the conflict.

I absolutely do not.

I might have questions. Lots of questions.

Okay, I will actually definitely have lots of questions.

But I don't actually need to (or want to) see your dogs fighting. I'm much more interested in what happens in the moments before that fight. The subtle (to us) communication that's been building and building until it reached this point.

That's much more valuable information for our work together.

9. There are a LOT of factors that go into prognosis.

Intrahousehold work is tricky. There are a lot of variables to consider.

In some cases, success looks like full reintegration and life returning to normal.

In some cases, success looks like acclimating to a new normal that allows everyone to feel safe and experience the lowest level of risk. That might include partial or complete separation.

It might shift as months and years go by, as developmental phases shift, as household dynamics and environment change.

One thing is for sure: early intervention always works in our favor.

10. Suppressive methods and obedience training will not serve you.

Some dog trainers might recommend addressing behavior concerns using suppression. This means they want to make the behavior stop. And that's tricky because we think that's what we want to. But really, what we want is for the dog to no longer need to engage in the behavior. There's a big difference. And the latter is safer, more sustainable, more ethical and humane, and better serves you and your dog.

So how can you spot suppression? Sometimes it comes via prong and shock collars (yes, even if you're just using beeps or vibrations), yelling, scruffing, penny cans, isolation, or leash jerks.

A good question to ask yourself is: does this just stop the behavior? Or does it ask why the behavior occurs in the first place, and meet that need (often a need for space and safety).

If you wouldn't do the human equivalent to a toddler, it's probably not appropriate for your dog.

Another harmful approach can actually come in the form of positive reinforcement training. Any focus, whether using reinforcement or punishment, on obedience is likely to fall flat.

That's because intrahousehold conflict isn't an obedience issue. It's a safety issue. It's a relationship issue. It's a communication issue. We can't help our dogs feel safer and communicate with one another better by putting them in a sit-stay.

When we spend our resources on interventions that don't help or make things worse, it quickly drains our emotional cups (and other resources), leaving us feeling hopeless. Behavior therapy with a certified dog behavior consultant specializing in intrahousehold conflict is the way to go.

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Now you know the top 10 things I want you to know about intrahousehold conflict. I hope this helps you and your pets feel safer in your home.

If you're noticing conflict between your pets and need help, please feel free to reach out. I'm happy to be of support.

And remember: this isn't your fault, and this isn't hopeless. People who are failing their dogs don't scour the internet for blog posts on how to help them.